the roller coater of life

I feel like Im on a roller coaster that rolls me thru life.
The ups and downs make you feel sick sometimes
and sometimes makes you excited.
Although You are screaming almost the entire time
one day I felt like i was on the up scale of my roller coaster
ride in life and I wrote:

Voice, Sound
both go together
Like coffee and bean
Do you see color
I hear a voice
with no sound
The color I see is red....

Tears feel like
fire, the flames fall
down my cheeks
The pain
in my heart
is blinding.

Feels that way alot
And I think about
making that feeling
disappear in w/e way
I can. :(

Other days not so much.

Ancestry

I have been trying to get as much history out of my family as I can. My mother and aunt are helpful, but conflicting at times. There was a person I went to school with , had a "relationship" with I found out today that we were related through a marriage, those two had kids. My So we are technically related right... so confusing! My mothers aunt had a book with information that she has given to my aunt and she isn't sharing well with others. Not sure how to get information out of people that do not want to share. I am talking to her daughter and I think we are going to go visit her!! That could be good or bad, depending I guess on what kind of mood my aunt is in on that day! I may try to write it all down in a blog, I know there are "family tree" programs but they just don't seem to show it all the way I see it in my head. I am going to continue to try to get more information , although it seems now like such an up hill battle , who knows. I have been to the library for some obituaries and I do plan to visit the mormon library. I hope this helps!!


My biological fathers family is almost non existant to me , that is really difficult! My aunt from my bio father is the only relation I know of and she has had a couple health problems (stroke) that has made her unable to help very much.

Feelings since Thursday

I woke up in the morning, just like every morning. Time for school, kids off then back home to wait for them to get out. I picked up the paper out of the box. Into the house and look down at the front page. Dominick Calhoun. Poor little 4 year old boy was taken off life support, after a 4 day beating , torturing, violent weekend he was taken off life support and died. Brain dead on the day he was found lying listless on the floor. I just read thru the tears that welled up , the thoughts that swirled around in my head about what this poor baby went thru. About why , no one could hear , walls are thin. How anyone could , how anyone wouldn't help, how a baby could live as long as he did with all that unfolds as to what happend over that 4 days of Dominicks last moments.

So many things went thru my head , watching news , facebook , Flint journal ... days following , more news , more of what happened over that short time. Who found Dominick and the reasons why , he was even found.... drugs of all things. Drugs for Dominicks aunt, she instead of calling the police , went to the grandfather. The mother that did not get her baby help or get him away from this torture. She "tried" and was hit as well, in part. That monster would have had to kill me.

For me, I wouldn't be able to see this and walk out/or stay period. Everyone, I guess has "their" own thoughts on what they would do in that situation, but c'mon. You see a 4 year old baby lying on the floor, obvious injury and you leave. No way! So much emotion from myself , about a boy I don't even know. That fact means nothing, Dominick deserves every bit of emotion that every person that reads about this musters up!! Every child that has ever had to endure any abuse deserves this kind of emotion!

I have 4 kids ,(which I hugged the ones closest for a very long time) different age ranges, I did the best I could with the resources I had/have at my disposal. If there are people on this planet that hit there kids , like that and think it is ok , they seriously need to talk to me! Like that, I mean fists/slap, face, punch, grab so hard you freakin leave marks. Common sense people , it is not that difficult! My anger emotions obviously have kicked in now after 4 days after the first report of Domincks torturious death. Things like this make me want to be better! After this kind of tragedy I want to be a better person, I want to educate people that believe hurting / spanking / hitting kids is an ok thing to do. My kids make me crazy somedays, as all kids do. Over the years I have changed the way I "deal" with my kids. My oldest was not as fortunate as my second child , and my second wasn't as fortunate as my third , or as my fourth for that matter. I have raised them all with what I was given, which in the begining wasn't much. I hope that I have learned things over the years and I am helping my kids be the best people they can be. I pray everyday for peace for them! I know God has given Dominick peace, I just wish it could have been through his life not his death. I hope I can give my kids peace in life as best I can!


I am so sadened by Dominicks torturious 4 days, that my emotions have definitly run amuck. With that comes rambling, oh well , I hope this makes me feel a bit better. Which would be the point of me writing in the first place. and so I go on , one more life altering occurance to live thru.

a theif

Wake up 7am , the oldest already has the car running. Get in the car, drive him to school. Get the second one dressed, out to the car and drivin' to school. Back for the third, now the first two in the front seat cuz they are older. The youngest , most impressionable ofcourse goes to Her seat behind the passenger seat. We drive and talk , she says " mom , wheres the dvd player?" I say , looking back tword where it would have been, " I don't know , someone must've taken it." The hurt look on a six year old face is something no one should see. The violation she feels at that moment you would really hope waits for an older, wiser person.

Some would say "privelige" because we have dvd players , kinda I guess yea but this day and age they come standard in some cars now.... so I'm not thinking it's so "priveliged" anymore. This thing that happened to us today is horrible to us (me , Luke, Victoria, Tim, Andrew) WE suffer, no one else really. The people that made the desicion to steal from us don't care. The consequences will not effect them at all. They do not wonder if we will be upset , they do not care one way or another. Their needs are greater than ours in the minds of people that are able to steal . Who the hell decided my kids old broken dvd players should be someone elses.... people like that suck !

I am angry @ myself @ my husband!! @ whom ever thinks they are more deserving of my stuff than I am!! I want to scream at them , I want them to be as hurt as they have made us.
Prolly not such a good thing, but I am so upset. I am trying to find ways to be less angry, it is difficult. I am all over the place with my emotions, just not able to get ahold on them. Then with that makes me even more upset. Why /how can one act of selfishness make one feel so much all at one time. This one "thing" shouldn't stir up so much in one person. I want to go back to sleep and wake up and not feel so much anger and pain. Wake up again without the one act that has left me violated.


blahhhh , life sucks somedays ! I will write , pray, and try to make others around me think about other things to keep them from getting so angry about this because if they get as angry as I am, I will (on top of all the rest) feel bad that they feel this way too. :( Im just goonnnnaa be sad today!

Lost Dog in Texas

Lost in Mesquite, Tx 75419

My cousin, Mike an American solider just back from Korea has lost his little dog Sojo. I have put his face on every site I can find, hoping to find him and reunite him with his family!!! I will add his picture.... I hope someone has found him and will check with the vet as he is chipped. Mike is now 2 hours away from where Sojo has been lost but they are still calling vets and checking human society for him daily!

an on we go

I realized yesterday, it has been more than 3 years since my last Marlboro! That is phenomenal! My friend Misslissa , said "all my friends have quit, cept me , I need to quit." I hope she quits! Her health is important to me! she asked , "how did you do it?" I said " cold turkey" she said " no way! How bad was it?" I said " eh not as bad as I thought originally."

Now when I think back to the 3 years or so ago, I know I was ready to stop. It was trying at times , and a couple seconds I believe I picked up the cigerette and put it in my mouth.... (didn't light up) and thought "can I really quit?" With those minor "thoughts" I did it without a hitch! Mentally I was thru ! Physically I had it a tad bit more difficult. Withdrawl anyone?! That part of quitting is interesting. I heard some famos person say the other day on t.v. they were trying to quit with a patch and the nightmares he would have with this patch on... well lets just say his conculsion was to take off the patch. I wanted to tell him, "it's not the patch buddy." The withdrawl is the reason for the nightmares, restlessness, sleeplessness, as well as panic attatcks at times. Over all it is well worth the 3 days of withdrawl! I have talked befor about my experience in the quitting process, not here but in other avenues and at different times. It all seems to be the same for me, nothing different from the start. I would say I am very lucky! I hope everyone that has a habit that is not so good for them, and they get to the point they want to stop, that it is as easy as it was for me!

Oh , I say easy , because I smoked for 21 almost 22 years. If I can do it without looking back, so can anyone! (everyone!)

Jury Duty

2 weeks ago , I get mail! Yay! , it is a summons for you guessed it. Jury Duty! Ofcourse I personally do not mind, civic duty, privilege, God given right as an American! Now with that out of the way, why do people "try " to get out of jury duty?..... Well pay and or work I guess firstly. I don't mind so much , because I work at home! :) yay me ! ( your jealous, I know !) Mostly I feel like people don't want to perform jury duty because they are lazy! Yesterday and today I had jury duty. The first day , my fellow jurors did an awful lot of complaining. "so and so was summoned , they were only here a couple hours.. didn't get picked. " blah blah blah. There were alot of complaints from the "jury box". Lots of " I hope this doesn't take long." "I have to drive 2 hours to get home, I was hoping we would be done in one day." ( that one lies , as to where she lives for health insurance. but it is too much to do her civic duty and serve on the jury about peoples lives. Not sure what all I could say about that , I bet I can think of some choice things though!

Also as far as "people" go , when do the bubbles people live in disolve? I can not believe that only 1 out of all 12 people can be reasonably open minded about the possibilities of differences in lifestyles. I am definetly dissappointed, however I now know why people are against gay marriage. Dark ages people! GET OUT of the DARK!

Now I have resorted to screambloging :( It sincerely makes me sad! I , first day thought "can't be everyone here that doesn't want to be here." So bad so that they won't at least try to open up some cobwebbed minds and listen. But, yes But, I was wrong. One women today is somewhere, feeling even less than a person today then yesterday , because we the jury found resonable doubt. I hope "the defendant" , found enough pause (could have ruined his life 4ever)befor the "not guilt " to never put his hands on, threaten, intimidate, or make someone feel scared again. If that , at least was accomplished I will sleep better. Know today I am praying for peace on one torn up womens soul, and 11 people to wake up and smell reality. As for my jury duty days, well they are over at least for another 12 months. I can go forward in life for at least that long without talking to another bass ackward, hicabilly, don't know why "you don't just leave" ignorance is bliss silly son of a juror # I don't ever want to see your face peon. :) bb